PAFoster’s Tweets for Week Ending 2010-08-22

  • Well, I'm in Wales, at the end of the M4 about 12 miles from Carmarthen. I'll be here for the rest of the week… http://fb.me/ujLIMSkC #
  • A welsh cottage on the side of a hill in the middle of nowhere and I have it all to myself today! No interruptions, just me and my Mac. ^PAF #
  • All's good. Really pleased as revised draft is very nearly complete. On my own in the cottage all day today and… http://fb.me/HiZCsKC6 #
  • Sooooooo close now. Fifteen scenes all done and dusted. Been a great day. Just two scenes left to work on… http://fb.me/ESrweZda #
  • Done! =D #

Done!

Okay, It’s official, the new play, my Nuffield Theatre Writers Group Graduation Piece, has finally been completed – deadline was 31st January, lol.

I’ve had a marathon week writing in my father’s cottage in Wales; showered once and haven’t ventured any further than the garden!

Tomorrow I drive home in the rain, exhausted, but very, very pleased with myself.

Richard might even get some conversation out of me!

Expect to hear more about the play soon.

:D

Take A Break – Have A Week In Wales!

Just taking a quick break…

I’m spending the week at my Father’s cottage in Wales with the sole intention of finishing the new play – I keep saying ‘new’ but it’s getting a bit old now, considering I started it in January and keep on about finishing it!

Anyway, it’s going well, and I’m pleased to be away from Woking to concentrate on it.

The view from the window is of rolling green hills and it is truly beautiful. If only I had my iPhone4, I could take a picture and post it on twitter and facebook and here on my blog for all to see; but no!

You see, I have made myself a promise. WHEN I finish the play, I will reward myself by getting a great new iPhone4.

I’ve researched it and found the best deal for me; I’ll be having a ‘self-employed’ business account with Orange giving me 450 any network minutes, unlimited texts, unlimited calls to landline numbers that don’t count against my minutes, unlimited data and unlimited WiFi, free answer-phone calls, and a free replacement iPhone within 24hrs if mine develops a fault – and all for £35 a month for 2 years, and paying £119 for the phone.

I told the the man in the Orange shop in the Peacocks in Woking that I would be in next week with the cash! I have £120 in twenties on my desk at home waiting to be passed on to Orange!

So then, break’s over! Better get on with some more writing!

PAFoster’s Tweets for Week Ending 2010-08-15

Scott Freeman Reviews Spaceboy

I’m pleased to be posting another review of Spaceboy. This one written by Scott Freeman who did the sound for the recent production.

Spaceboy – Incredibly Compelling

I was lucky enough to be involved in the tech for PAFoster‘s Spaceboy directed by Nathan Trapnell and Nell King at the Black Box Theatre in Woking.

It was originally created as a radio play as part of a writing course assignment Paul did at the time, and is written in the first person continuum – like a stream of consciousness, where the action is happening in the now.

I found it an incredibly compelling play to watch, only moving my eyes away from the action when needed at the sound desk.

When Hayden (Alex Paterson) – a boy confused with his own sexual identity – was onstage, it was almost at times like watching stand-up comedy.

Alex held the audience close as Hayden described his night with wild galore. Though indecisive and swinging from emotions like a monkey in a tree, it’s his comedic wit that makes you love his character.

However, let’s not forget Anna (Nell King) the mother who never wanted to be, and the complex relationship with her son, David – an unseen character – and new partner, Nathan (Nathan Trapnell).

The first act of the play rides on Anna and Nathan’s developing relationship and the unveiling of David’s worrying condition.

But not for a second does the fact there is no actor portraying David take away from the action. The way he is talked about and referenced builds almost a God out of his character; it feels like he’s really there.

The climax of Hayden’s story hits in with a surprise use of projection; a cinematic finale to much effect.

As he lies there, dead to the world, the action switches back to Anna and Nathan standing over David in hospital and ending the play with the resonant line ‘Can you hear me, Major Tom?’

Thanks Scott!

Q & A Session With PAFoster – Playwright

Since having Spaceboy produced by Peer Productions at the beginning of June, I’ve gotten to know some of the people involved with the theatre company including Scott Freeman and Tony Chessman.

Both young actors, and budding playwrights too, they asked to interview me as part of their Gold Arts Award project, to which I agreed.

I felt the questions and answers would be interesting and maybe beneficial for others, and so, with their permission, I’ve created a blog post.

Enjoy…

Scott: Hi Paul

Hi.

Scott: My first question is to ask why you use PAFoster as your writing name?

Well when I first decided on playwrighting as a career I soon discovered an American playwright called Paul Foster, as well as an English actor/director – and Equity member – with the same name. I knew I needed to have a professional name, but I didn’t want to choose a new one.

My first pet and my mother’s maiden name makes Squeaky Sherman, and that just wasn’t going to work, Scott!

I’ve had the domain name of PAFoster.com – and .co.uk – for a long time and so decided on the semi-pseudonym of PAFoster.

I don’t have spaces or dots between the intial letters and that’s important to me. I have a background in marketing and understand the importance of communication, so I guess I’m just creating a ‘brand’ for myself as a playwright – P!nk comes to mind.

Oh, and since I get asked a lot, the ‘A’ stands for Andrew, my middle name.

Tony: Hi Paul, so what does being a playwright actually involve?

A lot more than just writing, Tony!

A lot of my time is spent listening to other people speak and jotting down interesting bits of overheard speech.

I think a lot too; plots, characters, ideas, all going around in my head waiting to make the leap into my Mac.

Writing per se is probably the smallest element, since there’s plenty of reading and editing and re-writting of the script involved too.

I read a lot of other produced plays, as it’s important for me to understand what works and what doesn’t, and thus how I can improve on my own writing.

Scott: When did you start writing plays, Paul, and why?

My first play was a stage adaptation of the fairy tale Rumplestiltskin for a project at college – that was Alton College, in Hampshire, back in 1986. We were asked to perform to local primary school children as a sort of theatre out-reach program.

I had always been interested in theatre, mainly acting at that early age, having been in all my school plays, but soon found it was exciting to write for the stage as well – I wrote a horror novel in four and a half science exercise books whilst in my 4th year, er, Year 10, at my secondary school. Eggars, in Alton. I loved the idea of creating stories.

I wrote the Rumplestiltskin script, complete with diagams of the setting for each scene, on A4 lined paper at home all in one evening and it was performed a number of times as written without any editing or re-writing at all, so I guess it must have been a pretty good first attempt at creating a play. Oh, and you can guess who had the title role.

A couple of years later whilst on a gap year sort of thing in America I spent time with some people attending a college near Boston, Massachusetts, and was asked by their drama society to write a show for them.

I ended up writing what became – allegedly – America’s first produced pantomime. Quite an experience. I had to educate the cast and audience about the tradition of the English pantomime through the writing. Pantomime in the States is actually what we call mime.

Luckily there were expats in the audience each night so they soon got everyone else going. Great fun. That was also my first expereince of directing which I loved too. I still enjoy acting, but feel I’m a better writer/director than actor.

For me writing has always been a way of expressing myself and my feelings. Right from the beginning. I write because I enjoy it and because I gain a sense of achievement when other people take over where I left off. I like the idea of others producing a piece of theatre from my writing so even more people can experience it and talk about it.

Tony: So what made you realize you wanted to have a career as a playwright?

I wanted to be involved in theatre from an early age, but was always persuaded not to go into the acting profession. I spent 20 years in marketing, but couldn’t take it any more, and my mental health didn’t help either, so I started a crazy project to chill out a bit and take my mind off things.

After listening to a CD of my favourite band on a walk around West Wittering Beach, I had this wacky idea of writing a musical in the same vein as Mamma Mia but using the songs of Erasure. I had big aspirations.

Anyway I found it relatively easy to weave a great story from the lyrics of 20 or so of their songs and spent two years writing Blue Savanah during the little spare time I had.

The images of the stage production are still very clear in my head and I really want to produce it one day – actually, I will produce it one day!

When I finished it, I knew I wanted to write more.

And then a few weeks later an image came into my head of a large domineering mother being dragged by her skinny son across the kitchen floor. He was dragging her by her ankles leaving a trail of smeared blood on the checkered linoleum. The mother had a large pair of tailor’s scissors protruding from her chest.

I knew I had the beginnings of an actual stage play and wrote the full length script for A Spade, A Clock, and A Bloody Pair of Scissors in 4 days flat!

Scott: What is your favourite part of the writing process?

Erm, well, the buzz I get from seeing the plot come together and the play forming is high on the list.

And the bit in the writing when I really get into a character and feel them and how things affect them.

If I’m crying during an emotional speech for a character, then I’m pleased, as it tells me the writing is good.

Tony: Do you have to obtain any specific qualifications to be a playwright?

Not at all. By all means take a BA degree in literature, if you want, or even an MA in creative writing – I know playwrights who have done this, but I know playwrights who were actors or directors and even stage managers, as well as other people that simply entered their play into a competition or sent something they wrote during their lunchs to a theatre and have been ‘discovered’.

Writing a play is an art, and yes there’s got to be some talent there I guess, but you can only learn from actually writing, there isn’t an A’ level in Playwrighting*.

Ah, now there’s an idea!

* Yes, I know that spelling isn’t a word, but it makes sense to me, as I consider ‘wright’ to be a verb, even if it isn’t! My prerogative as a playwright, ie one who crafts plays.

Tony: Does writing a play need any other natural skills or abilities?

Yes, just one thing, and in my opinion, one thing only – passion. You have to be passionate about your writing. You have to be passionate enough to keep writing and learning and improving in your writing. When you are truly passionate, it shows in your writing, it becomes your voice and your work is therefore much more likely to be produced.

Scott: Passion. I’ll remember that. Okay, so what writing courses have you taken, Paul, and which would you say helped you the most?

I consider myself very lucky since I have had arguably the best training I could possibly have had, and it was free.

I was part of the 4th Nuffileld Theatre Writers’ Group in Southampton.

It’s one of only a couple of dedicated professional theatre funded writing groups.

My mentor John Burgess – John was the Head of New Writing at the National Theatre, er, 1989 to 1994, I think, and co-creator of the National Theatre Studio.

He’s well known for directing new works and has been the Script Executive for the Nuffield for a number of years now. At one time it was John who was reading most of the unsolicited plays being sent to London theatres, and it was him who discovered Sarah Daniels, directing her first play.

Damn, I can’t remember the name!

Anyway the premise is the group can all write, so what we spent the two years doing was discovering and practising the elements of a good professionally produced play.

John readily admits he can’t write, but as an experienced director and reader of new plays, he knows exactly what directors and producers are looking for in a professional produceable play. Wow, that’s a good bit of alliteration!

I have a file of notes on about 40 different things to include, and examples of them, though not all of them at once!

These examples go all the way back to greek theatre, so there’s nothing new. It’s just you have to know what they are and be able to spot them in your reading and watching, and then use them in your own writing.

And they are there, even in novels and indeed stuff for the TV and radio, and movies too. It’s great spotting them and saying stuff like – oooh that was stichomythia!

Actually, sorry, to answer your question, I do tend to ramble don’t I, I haven’t taken any specific writing courses as such. And now I don’t need to either!

Scott: Paul, do you have a favourite place to write?

No, sorry. I can write anywhere.

Though, to be honest, I write everything in Scrivener on my MacBook now – excellent writing software by the way – so I need to have it with me to write.

If I’m in the flow I can easily write in a crowded cafe*, but I’m equally happy in the garden with the birds singing.

I keep my black Moleskiene notebook with me all the time, so I can easily jot down ideas or short bits of dialogue that come to me, and those great things people say when they don’t realise I’m listening!

* I’m writing up this interview in the Morrison’s cafe in Woking atm. Richard is doing the weekly shop!

Tony: What for you is the best thing about being a playwright?

Easy. Watching a great performance of an excellent production of a play I’ve written. Spaceboy was awesome!

Scott: And the worst?

The waiting. Getting a script read by a theatre will take a minimum of two months, and it could be four to six months before you hear anything!

When a radio play of mine was sent to a producer last February, it was December before I heard it had been rejected.

It was the first part of Spaceboy that was sent to Radio 4. They loved the style of writing and the story and the fact I was a new writer, but they didn’t like the dark ending.

Scott: How many hours a week – roughly – do you spend writing?

That depends on how I’m feeling.

Most writers say that if writing is your job, then you should write something, say 500 words, every day. I don’t subscribe to that theory.

I write when I can. And to be honest I can go months without writing because of my bipolar. And then write four months worth in four days non-stop.

It’s certainly not ideal writing in this way, in fact it can very, very frustrating, especially when you are close to finishing a play.

90% of the play I’m currently trying to finish was written over a two week period back in January. And I really have to finish this first before I continue with other projects I am working on.

If I’m in the flow, like I was when I started writing the play, I can write for eight to ten hours a day for at least a couple of weeks, which is usually enough to get a decent first draft into my Mac.

Mind you it usually means I’m so busy writing, I forget to eat and properly. Sometimes I don’t even sleep much!

Can’t stop the flow!

Tony: Wow. And what about research then?

Scott: Yeah, how much would you say goes into your plays?

Ah, now that depends entirely on the play. Some don’t need any, but others do, a bit.

I tend to steer clear of research to be honest. If I’m researching, I’m not writing, am I. A little bit of Wiki-ing during the writing is about my limit!

Actually, come to think of it there’s alway the exception to the rule isn’t there – You see, I’ve been working on a musical. It’s set in Nazi occupied Paris during World War Two and it needs a lot of research!

I even requested a thesis from a university graduate in Australia, since she was one of only a couple of people who seem to have actually researched the topic I’ll be writing about.

Scott: An exception to prove the rule then.

Yeah, probably why it’s taking ages to get started on the actual writing!

Tony: So, is it easy to find work as a playwright?

Er, no. There are more playwrights in England than there are in the rest of the world combined – having said that, the market is huge, it’s just getting in professionally that’s difficult.

Anyone who has written a few lines of dialogue and had thier local amdram group do something with it calls themselves a writer. I’ve been there myself. But I’ve learnt so much on my Nuffield program.

Getting a professional production of a play you have written can take years. To be honest, you have to write and write and write and try and convince someone to produce a piece of your work.

It’ll take years, and then once people know you can write a play, then maybe someone or a theatre will commision you to write some thing for them.

I suppose what I mean is, the work will find you if you’re good enough.

The also tend to suddenly produce the work that everyone rejected before you became known.

Scott: Paul, who is your favourite playwright?
Tony: And why?

Edward Bond is one of them. Sarah Daniels is a favourite too.

Sorry to dissapoint you, I’ve no idea why. Something just clicks with me when I read their plays I guess.

Scott: In Spaceboy you used the music of David Bowie to great effect; has music influenced any other aspects of your writing?

Music is very important in a play – it’s one of those 40 or so elements I mentioned – I try to get in some form of it in most of my work now.

Maybe a character plays an instrument, has a favourite band they sing along to a lot, or maybe there’s singing, or just music playing on a radio in the background, that has relevance.

I’m not talking about the music played during a scene change here.

For me the music generally comes from the character or the beginnings of the story.

With Spaceboy, Bowie’s Major Tom Trilogy became very instrumental in shaping the piece, in fact it ended up actually developing the story, becoming the plot almost, as well as providing the title.

Spaceboy is from Bowie’s Hello Spaceboy which was released by the Pet Shop Boys as a remix – not that I discovered it till I wikied Major Tom as a little research for the play.

The titles of the two parts are actually from the Hallo Spaceboy lyric said at the begining and end of the song – “If I Fall, Moondust Will Cover Me”.

To be honest, as the story developed in my head, Bowie’s Major Tom trilogy became very important in itself, with the lyrics actually telling the story in parts where the characters were unable to speak themselves.

For me a song can mean something and a characters thoughts or words can spark off a memory of it for me.

If the song fits with what I’m writing then I may end up including a reference to it, or a lyric from it, or indeed the actual song itself in the play.

Rage Against the Machine’s Killing In The Name is included in the play i’m finishing at the moment, as the character of Aron sings along to it whilst a music video of it plays on the TV.

The song sums up his feelings at the specific time in basically the same way as different songs mean different things to different people at different times.

Music can be so instrumental in our lives, so including it in a play is very important to me. It makes my characters more believable.

Incidentally the musical set in Paris I mentioned earlier was totally inspired by one synth-pop song from my teenage years that I heard again on the radio last year. It was very popular when I was younger.

Since you can now find lyrics to practically any song by typing the title into Google, I did, because I wanted to understand what a particular word was they were singing.

I discoved the song was about a french teenage subculture that lasted about 18 months during World War Two and is now almost forgotten about. Probably why it has been difficult to research.

My musical will be jazz based, and will not use the song I’m referring to at all, but it’s interesting to note the idea for the musical came about from me listening to one song.

Scott: Oh, so what’s the song?

Haha, it’s by the Pet Shop Boys! I’ll leave you to work out which one though!

Tony: Paul, would you recomend your career paths to young people who may share your aspirations?

I think the only thing I can say is it’s very important to me that young people to do what they really want to do in life, what they believe in, what they have a real passion for.

If you have passion for model train sets, then make a living with model trains. Why work hard to pay the mortgage in a job you’re not passionate about only to have a few hours a week to indulge in the hobby you are passionate about?

Do what you really want to do in life.

Yes, you may struggle financially at the beginning – to be honest I still do a bit – but happiness in the way you choose to provide for yourself in life is, in my opinion anyway, far more important than the money.

You can live frugally if you need to. It’s just a mind set. I’ve always believed if do what you’re really passionate about, the money will come to you.

Working for me anyway. I’m much better off now than I was before I started writing.

Scott: I’m currently writing my second play, are there any tips you could give to help me better my writing?

Just one. Only write for yourself.

Don’t right stuff in a particular way thinking it will fit in somewhere and be produced.

Producers/Directors are looking for writers with a voice – Writers who have something to say in the way that only they can say it.

Be yourself, don’t try and write like somebody else, that person has already done it.

Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with studying the work of someone you admire though, and even emulating their work, but make sure you have your own voice.

As an example, compare Agatha Christie’s detective Hercule Poirot with Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes. Agatha has a totally different voice and style, and you’d never think the two were connected, but it is clear they are and that Conan Doyle’s writing influenced Christie’s*.

Notice all the main characters: Poirot – Holmes, Hastings – Watson, Japp – Lestrade, Miss Lemon – Mrs Hudson.

Both sets of novels and short stories are also written in the first person from the point of view of the detectives’ assistant. Oh and both authors hated being best known for their fictional detective. I’m rambling again aren’t I!

Oh, and of course, Conan-Doyle was greatly inspired by the works of Edgar Allan Poe and acknowledged basing his Holmes detective stories on the model of Poe’s C. Auguste Dupin.

In plawright terms, I understand Mark Ravenhill intently studied all the works of Edward Bond before writing his first play, Shopping and Fucking.

In my case, I was insired by Sarah Daniels’ radio play ‘The Sound Barrier’ and Spaceboy uses the same methods to tell it’s story. I.e.: monolgues from the characters with the main character of the story only referenced in the speeches of the the other characters. Spaceboy has it’s own voice though. It’s distinctly me. Writing it – completely by accident – in the present tense continuous made it stand out too. – Sorry, you can tell I’m passionate about my writing, can’t you!

* Having just wikied this, I’ll quote: ‘In An Autobiography Christie admits that “I was still writing in the Sherlock Holmes tradition – eccentric detective, stooge assistant, with a Lestrade-type Scotland Yard detective, Inspector Japp.”

Tony: Haha! Yes! So what would be the apex of your career as a playwright then, Paul?

Having a play running in the West End.

There. A short answer!

Scott: So what’s in the pipeline?

Well, there’s a few things I’m working on.

My full length two-handed play that’s very nearly done – I’ve promised myself an iPhone when it is!

A short play about the effects of depression from my internal perspective – inspired incidently by Sarah Kane’s Psychosis 4:43. I only write it when I’m in a downish mood, sort of cathartic.

Then there’s the Paris musical, i’m researching, and indeed a collabrorative project with an acting school in Bury St Edmunds.

I’m also helping my protege, Tom Fidler, to write stage adaptions of a number of the short stories from Conan Doyles’ The adventures of Sherlock Holmes. As well as my own adaptation of The Hound of the Baskervilles.

I’m also planning on writing an episodic play set on a racecourse soon.

I readily admit I’m working on a lot of projects, and yes, probably too many as well, but that’s what having a passion does for you.

Tony: Plenty of writing to get on with then! Finally Paul, is there a particular play you’ve read or seen you wish you’d written, and if so which one?

Early Morning, by Edward Bond.

It was first produced by the Royal Court in 1968. It’s a “savage satirical dream play”, in which Queen Victoria has a lesbian affair with Florence Nightingale, and the princes Arthur and George are locked together as conjoined twins.

There’s a wonderful tug of war at the edge of a cliff and the characters all fall to their deaths. They go to Heaven and the final act sees the characters consuming each other as they descend into cannibalism!

A nightmare to stage, but a brilliant play none the less.

Tony: Thanks Paul! That’s brilliant!

Scott: Yes, thank you!

You too guys. Been a pleasure!

PAFoster’s Tweets for Week Ending 2010-08-08

  • Been a great weekend, thanks to all cast, crew, and audience who made Spaceboy's world premier so special for me. I'll never forget you! #fb #
  • Monday! Back to School/College. Good luck for all of you taking exams this week! :D x #fb #
  • The Stage / News / Exclusive: Radio 2 to celebrate musical theatre in major new series: http://bit.ly/cIXGFL #
  • Beans on toast. Been in the garden reading FM – Graduation piece for Nufflield Theatre Writers Group – encouraged by Spaceboy's success! #fb #
  • WWDC at 6pm – New iPhone time guys! iWantone! #fb #
  • Come Dancing #bbcporn #
  • Right Guys, IMPORTANT NEWS, since the success of Spaceboy, I'm now splitting my Pro and private lives on Twitter, like it is on fb. Got it? #
  • My PAFoster-Playwright Professional Twitter will be here @PAFoster so keep following. I also now have a PA who will be helping with this. :) #
  • And that's @TomFidler. My PERSONAL account is now @FuckingMangoes (title of new play, lol) so PLEASE follow me there too. CHEERS GUYS!!! :D #
  • Hope that makes sense. Both should be pretty busy! Reply with "I'm into @FuckingMangoes" if you're now gunna follow my PRIVATE twitter… #
  • …And I'll personally follow you back! Thanks Guys! #
  • I ♥ @FuckingMangoes! Retweet if you do too! #
  • wishes to thank everybody involved with the very first production of 'Spaceboy'. It was a huge sell out success and… http://bit.ly/dqWl5B #
  • Morning all, today would be a good day to start @FuckingMangoes – I mean today would be a good day to start FOLLOWING @FuckingMangoes :D #
  • I'll be tweeting here at @PAFoster as both private and professional me until the end of the week, then this will just be the Playwright me. #
  • Follow me @FuckingMangoes if you want to follow the private me too. And I'll follow you back. #
  • Been a busy day sorting out PAFoster-Playwright *PAF #
  • oooh, i think i'm fucking things up here, I've got a wossy tweet in my mangoes feed! And I'm not following him here yet! #
  • lol that's not right, I'm my personal account, but it's posting to the other one! #
  • haha #
  • oh dear, me thinks I need to sort this one out pronto! #
  • Lol, that's better. Right this is the Professional me, ie PAFoster-Playwright #
  • Right. Pete the Publicity Officer here. Very glad to be part of this. Feel like I've just hacked into the US Millitary. #
  • Well, that last tweet was from one of my 'Summer Interns' Peter Williams who is my Publicity Officer. YouTube Channel created already! *PAF #
  • Admin done, I'm off into the studio to write for the afternoon and leaving my PO @PeterFWilliams to test out blogging on PAFoster.com – *PAF #
  • Hoping to organise an introduction video with Tom to put onto the youtube channel tomorrow! PW http://bit.ly/ar0f3C #
  • What's this I see, A post by Tom :O Yes, finally manage to beat the Blue Twitter Whale and have posted a tweet. Some actual info soon *TF #
  • 2010 Summer Internships http://bit.ly/bXgJza #
  • And A Hello From Peter Williams Too http://bit.ly/9nlB3K #
  • Aiming to spend 6hrs working on the new play today – better get off the internet then! *PAF http://bit.ly/934HXf #
  • Titles and End Credits sequences for the series of videos being made for the new PAFoster YouTube Channel all… http://bit.ly/auFJaW #
  • Writing going well, nearly ready to get the Mangoes script on to paper for the first time. A big occasion! Becomes… http://bit.ly/963quU #
  • Paul has almost finished writing his full length play 'Fucking Mangoes' whcih was part of his Nuffield Writers Course *TF #
  • Spent the day in the BA Flight Training Centre at Heathrow, auditioning Cabin Crew for their annual charity Panto…. http://fb.me/DuSHRS5e #
  • has had a great day writing in Brighton. Now wondering how much parking the car in the shopping centre is going to cost! #
  • Spent a couple of days writing in London and Brighton, and playing with an iPhone4! Also been helping my protégé… http://fb.me/tEmtriZ0 #
  • Spent a couple of days writing in London and Brighton, and playing with an iPhone4! Also been helping my protégé… http://fb.me/C3uLC8eZ #
  • Been a busy month with not much time to write, so spending the last few days at home with my Worzel Gummidge playwrights head on. (Wiki it!) #
  • The Stage / News / Blasted to be revived in 'provocative' Lyric Hammersmith season http://bit.ly/ahGIhJ #
  • Another trip to London today. You can find me in Wetherspoons in Holbourn eating their £3 fish and chips at about… http://fb.me/ujbSjA49 #

We Do Value Your Call

First you call the 0845 on the renewal letter – the renewal letter that, incidentally, doesn’t mention how to cancel the shit service, just says you don’t actually have to do anything to renew the shit service for another year.

Then you get the numerous press 1 for this and 2 for that etc…

- Thank you for calling [provider of afore mentioned shit service]. Unfortunately we are experiencing a high volume of calls at present, however we do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer representative will be with you shortly.

Cue shit service provider’s even shittier on hold music segment for 30 seconds.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

And again, cue shit and now repeating segment of said music.

It’s at this point you realise you have one of those (once) fantastic deals everybody else has with their telephone company. You know; the one where they mug you for an extra monthly payment of what sounds like a great deal for unlimited free calls – until you realise you hardly ever use your landline anymore cause you use your mobile instead. Oh and yes, those free calls DON’T, of course, include local 0870 or 0845 numbers.

So you hang up, knowing you’ll be waiting ages, at your own expense, to speak to a human, and dial their free 0800 sales line number – cause for some strange reason, they answer that line before it even has a chance to ring, no matter how fucking busy they are!

Hello [shit service provider] – no I don’t want to buy anything, I’m just calling because I wish to cancel my renewal.

Cue endless repetition of name, first line of address, postcode, date of birth, mother’s maiden name, name of next-door neighbour’s Labrador, inside leg measurement, date of last change of underwear, etc.

- I’m sorry Sir, you don’t appear to be on our system, can I just check those details again?

I just want to cancel my renewal.

- I’m sorry Sir, you don’t appear to be on our system, can I just check those details again?

You’ve sent me a letter telling me I don’t need to do anything to renew since you’ll just take the money from my credit card, but I have no wish to renew. I have the letter on the desk in front of me; I am obviously a customer of yours. My reference number is 782-

- I’m sorry Sir, you don’t appear to be on our system, can I just check those details again?

Can’t you just put me through to customer services?

- Yes, of course, Sir. Please hold the line.

LONG PAUSE

- It’s ringing for you, Sir.

Thank you.

- Please press 1 if you want this, 2 if you want that, and 3 if you feel like you want to scream cause all you wanted to do was stop the renewal of said shit service.

Beep.

- I’m sorry, the number you pressed is not recognised. Please try again. Please press 1 if you want this, 2 if you want that, and 3 if you feel like giving up.

Beep.

- I’m sorry, the number you pressed is not recognised. Please try again. Please press 1 if you want this, 2 if you want that, or hold and we will connect you to a customer service representative.

- Thank you for calling [name of the provider of afore mentioned shit service that makes it so hard to cancel you are even more determined to tell every body else NOT to get involved with said provider of shit service and go elsewhere]. Unfortunately we are experiencing a high volume of calls at present, however we do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

Cue same fucking music.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Cue fucking repetitive noise that has gone beyond the fucking point of even resembling said same fucking music.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Repeat, times three. Maybe four.

Put call on loud speaker and go back to working on your Mac.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Cue white noise.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Repeat 16 times while you update your facebook status, receive and deal with a mobile telephone call, send 3 text messages, get 4 in return, and tweet twice in the mean time.

Chuckle as you smugly realise you are not paying for the call, since you called the 0800 number and they put you through.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Nauseating noise.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Repeat another (lost count) times while you make your self a drink in the kitchen, and consider whether you’ll get to the loo and back before they answer, knowing full well you could have had a shit whilst reading the local paper 6 times over in the time that has already been spent waiting for them to answer the call.

Noise.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to kee-

- Hello this Jeremy speaking.

Shit, I’m kinda needing to piss right now.

- Thank you for calling [the afore mentioned shit provider of said shit service who are so busy dealing with customers who like-wise must have had also experienced said shit service and who are also in a fucking queue while the three people employed by said provider of shit service to answer the phones take a piss, which of course they can do whenever they want for however long they want even though you're really desperate to go for a piss and can't because you've been on hold for half a fucking hour]. You are through to customer services, how can I help you?

Oh, hi Jeremy. My customer reference number is 78216088.

- Thank you, Sir. Please can you confirm your full name, the first line of your address, your postcode, the size of your cock, and the names of the two people your grandmother is currently having a threesome with.

- Thank you, Sir. Please can you now give me your customer reference number.

My customer reference number is 78216088. I just want to cancel the renewal please.

- I’m sorry, Sir. That reference number is not showing up on our system. Do you have a prefix? Two letters followed by a forward slash and then the number?

GB

- Oh, thank you, Sir. That’s why you’re not showing up on my computer. You’ve called the European office of [afore mentioned, getting more fucking annoying by the second, provider of said shit service.] You’ll need to dial the UK office on 0845 ***

*** 1559. Yes, I know; the number is on the letter in front of me.

- 1558.

Sorry? 1559. The renewal hotline. It’s on the letter in front of me. At the top. Big bold numbers.

- 1558. Your letter must be printed wrong. It’s 1558, Sir.

I’ve called it already, and was on hold for a couple of minutes before I realised I was paying for the call so I gave up and called the 0800 sales line which was miraculously answered before the phone had a chance to ring. They then put me through to you. I’ve been on hold for 15 minutes and now you tell me that because they put me through to the wrong office, I’m not on your system either, and that I need to call 0845 *** 1559 and pay for the call again?

- It’s 1558, Sir.

Fine, can you put me through please. I just want to cancel my renewal.

- I’m sorry Sir, this is an incoming call centre, I can’t transfer you.

I just want to cancel my renewal! Please put me through!

- I’m sorry Sir, this is an incoming call centre, I can’t transfer you. You’ll need to call 0845 ***

*** 1559. Yes I know. I’ve called it already.

It’s 1558, Sir. 0845 *** 1558.

Fine. Thank you for your help. Good-bye.

Dial the 1559 0845 number, despite what the Jeremy twat said, cause it’s printed in big bold numbers at the top of your computer signed renewal letter, a further three times cause you’re so fucking angry and pissed off you keep pushing the wrong fucking digits.

- Thank you for calling [the 'I know you must be really fucked off with us by now, but we don't care cause you're leaving us anyway' said provider of afore mentioned shit service]. Please press 1 to slit your own wrists, 2 to slit someone else’s first, or 3 to commit genocide.

Beep.

- I’m sorry, the number you pressed is not recognised. Please try again. Please press 1 to jump from the CN Tower, 2 to push three people off before you jump, or 3 to blow up the afore mentioned tower while standing in the lift on the ground floor watching yourself in the mirrors on all 3 sides jizzing blissfully over one of them as the said tower collapses in on top of you.

Beep.

- Thank you for calling [insert whatever the fuck you want here now, cause I certainly felt like inserting something somewhere]. Unfortunately we are experiencing a high volume of calls at present, however we do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.

FFS

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

FFS again.

- We do value your call. Please hold the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly. Sorry to keep you waiting.

x 4

- We do value your-

- Hello my name is Karen. Thank you for-

Can you call me back please.

- Er, I’m sorry Sir. We are very busy taking calls. I can put the phone down and try to call you back, but I can’t guarantee it, Sir. A new call may come straight through as soon as I put the phone down.

My number is 07855-

- I can’t guarantee this, Sir. What is your customer number?

Can you call me back please. This is costing me money.

- Sir, please can I have your customer reference number first.

Fine. GB/78216088.

- Thank you, Sir, and can you confirm your name.

Paul Foster.

And the first line of your address?

You’ve typed in my customer reference number and confirmed that my name corresponds with your records and you are currently staring at a screen which is full of everything the world knows about me including the colour of the tee-shirt I’m wearing, and the name of the cat at the end of the street which I nearly ran over last Friday, as well as the name of my deceased great aunt from darkest Peru that I never knew I had since I didn’t know I was related to Paddington! ALL I WANT TO DO IS CANCEL MY FUCKING RENEWAL!

- Yes, Sir. Of course, Sir. Let me do that for you right away, Sir.

Thank you!

- Done. Was there anything else I can help you with today, Sir?

NOT FUCKING LIKELY! GOOD-BYE!

Take the well overdue piss and vow to write a blog post about trying to cancel fucking renewal of said shit service of afore mentioned fucking shit provider of said shit fucking service.

Lol.

Peter Williams Reviews Spaceboy

I’ve been meaning to post this for ages….

Spaceboy – A Gem of a Play

Going in to see Spaceboy, I couldn’t help but appreciate its delightfully ambiguous title.

Who was this ‘Spaceboy’?

Well what it was, was an example of what a small theatre group really can achieve, and evidence that the quality of a play correlates with nothing but the talent behind it.

PAFoster‘s Spaceboy tells the story of 16 year old David Walker struggling to cope with undiagnosed schizophrenia, and the impact this has on those closest to him, including fellow teenager, Hayden Paterson, who obliviously has somewhat of a crush on him, David’s mother, Anna, who is reluctant to understand her son, and their new neighbour Nathan Greene.

The theme of mental health is quite obviously a sensitive one that needs to be approached with a sense of maturity and also innovation to create a plausible performance, without bombarding the audience with a painfully obvious ideology.

It is here where Spaceboy writer PAFoster makes his pivotal decision – David is absent.

We never see him or hear him; he isn’t represented at all, other than being referred to in the first person by the other characters.

The play takes the very simple, but extremely effective approach of only showing us the results and implications of David’s actions on those around him.

Now if that sounds like a unique method, here’s another: At no point in the play does any character interact with another. We simply hear every character’s progressive thoughts and what they are saying to others through interspersed ‘present tense continuous’ monologues.

I was surprised at how close to their experiences I felt. The characters were actually discovering things at the same time the audience were.

If a play messing with a few of the peripherals is deemed as ‘thinking outside of the box’, then Spaceboy has abandoned the box completely and set up tent outside.

The introspective approach synchronises our experiences with that of the characters and the fourth wall turns to jelly with plot points being given a whole new layer of significance.

Its unique approach is a fundamental part of its design but at no point does it feel like a gimmick. You won’t find anyone jumping up from under the seat and forcing you to perform interpretive dance to aid the story, though some of the actors’ performances really do put you on the front line.

With a unique concept, powerful performances, and a Bowie soundtrack that is both juxtaposed and integral to the plot, Spaceboy is a gem of a play, modestly tucked away from the public eye.

Peter Williams

Thanks Pete!

Paste and Match Style

We are all, I’m sure, familiar with Command-X for Cut, Command-C for Copy, and Command-V for Paste.

But for me it’s the pasting that’s annoying and particularly so when I’m using my writing software, the excellent Scrivener.

Obviously Scrivener uses the system-wide shortcut of Command-V, but 95% of the time, all I want to do is copy the actual text into Scrivener; I’m not interested in fancy styles – I just want the bloody TEXT!

This can be done by using the much lesser known shortcut of ‘Paste and Match Style’ (Shift-Option-Command-V) which will paste the text into your document and but crucially match the style of the document you are in, ignoring all the originally used styles in the text.

Great, but how on earth do I remember Shift-Option-Command-V?

Or was it Function-Command-Shift-V.

Ermmmmmmm, Shift-Control?

Well, naturally I can’t.

The odd thing is, the much simpler shortcut of Shift-Command-V doesn’t appear to be used at all, at least in text programs, so I devised a plan – then I just went the whole hog and sorted my problem out once and for all.

And now, since most of the time I’m pasting and matching the style, I type Command-V; and when on the odd occasion I do need to copy the styles too, I type Shift-Command-V.

Simple.

Want to know how?

Easy.

Apple>System Preferences…>Keyboard & Mouse>Keyboard Short Cuts.

Scroll down and select Application Keyboard Shortcuts at the bottom under the dividing line, then click the + below to add a new shortcut.

In the drop-down box that drops down (lol), leave All Applications or, if you are at all concerned about the effect of these changes on your other software, select the applications you wish to make use of these new pasting shortcuts.

Now type “Paste and Match Style” as the Menu Title making sure it is typed exactly as this, and then type the keyboard shortcut, Command-V, in the next box.

We’ve now assigned Command-V to the original menu item ‘Paste and Match Style’, effectively removing ‘Paste’ from the menu, so next just repeat the process using “Paste” and the shortcut Shift-Command-V to return it to the menu with the new keyboard shortcut.

Voilà, as they say in France.

I hope you find this as useful in you writing exploits as I have in mine.