how do you explain

November 20th, 2008 by Paul Foster

how do you explain
a fucked up brain

how do you explain that you feel like shit all the time
how do you explain that the only reason you go back to bed is cause you wish you never got up in the first place
how do you explain that you want to stay up at night cause it’s quiet
how do you explain that you really do want to help out around the house but don’t have the energy or the slightest inclination
how do you explain that you have to fight the urges to turn the steering wheel violently to the left when you you’re driving down the motor-way on your own
how do you explain why it’s only to the left
how do you explain that you don’t care about yourself anymore and the only reason you’re here is cause you can’t stand the thought of hurting others
how do you explain the constant worry that maybe the day you don’t care about hurting others will finally come and sooner rather than later
how do you explain that half of you wants to live to a hundred and the other half doesn’t want to last the night
how do you explain the feeling of total and utter worthlessness
how do you explain the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore
how do you explain the feeling of wasting your life
how do you explain the feeling of nothingness
how do you explain the feeling of emptiness
how do you explain the thoughts about a world which you’ve just left
how do you explain the feeling of despair
how do you explain the feeling of being certain that no-one cares
how do you explain the feeling of being a constant failure to yourself and others
how do you explain the annoyance of not being able to say words that you know you know
how do you explain the feeling of uselessness when you can’t make a simple decision
how do you explain the feeling of knowing that one day you will make it big and be rich and famous
how do you explain the fear that that day might never come so what’s the point
how do you explain that all you want to do is a achieve something with your life
how do you explain the constant fear of not being able to achieve anything
how do you explain the feeling that you know for certain that you will either die of old age or you’ll commit suicide
how do you explain the feeling of paranoia
how do you explain the fear that one day something might just click somewhere in that brain of yours and you do it even though you know you definitely don’t want to at this present moment in time
how do you explain it scares you that you may actually want to at some other present moment in time
how do you explain that you spend so much time in bed when you are down so that you don’t get the opportunity to do it
how do you explain seeing images in which you jump from high up in a tree with a noose around your neck
how do you explain that you see yourself climbing up higher so that when you jump the force of gravity rips your head off
how do you explain that you wish you could talk about all this but are frightened that no-one would ever be able to listen
how do you explain you have a mental illness that destroys your way of thinking to the point that you don’t know what’s real
how do you explain you’re ill and really don’t want the hell anymore
how do you explain that you know you’ll be okay again soon, but have no idea when
how do you explain how stupid you’ll feel when you read this again
how do you explain that you really want to publish this shit but don’t want to in case people will think less of you than they already do
how do you explain the fear of losing your mind completely
how do you explain the fear of dying
how do you explain the exhaustion
how do you explain the headaches
how do you explain the hell
how do you explain the
how do you explain
how do you ex
how do you
how do
how

fuck
it’s out
thank fuck it’s out
sorry

Is That All?

November 5th, 2008 by Paul Foster

I had a letter from ‘Wonderful Wetherspoons’ today.

You may want to read my previous post to see what a ‘wonderful’ time my friend Jon and I had in Walton about a month ago.

The letter was headed “without prejudice”, and said, amongst other things: “I’m sorry we didn’t get things right for you”. And, as a “gesture of goodwill to resolve the matter” some ‘Wether Vouchers’ were enclosed. The lady from customer services then wrote: “I hope these will go some way towards restoring your faith in us.”

I think not.

I had spent a couple of hours writing a very helpful letter pointing out the major problems we encountered. Nice of me, since having run my own marketing consultancy in the past, I know it is safe to assume that only 1 in 11 disgruntled customers actually complain about something in writing - the other 10 just tell their friends how awful it was and go elsewhere.

We spent £17.53 that night (just got the credit card statement) on what was basically shit food and shit service.

And they sent me £10 in vouchers.

I’m sending them back; to J D Wetherspoon plc Board Member and Chief Operating Officer, Paul Harbottle, with a polite note saying why.

I mean, come on, I wasn’t expecting anything; I was doing them a favour. But if they were going to offer something as a “gesture of goodwill to resolve the matter” then the very least they could have done was offered a refund.

Or am I completely wrong about this?

Losing The Plot

November 5th, 2008 by Paul Foster

Oh the joys of a fucked up brain!

I’m completely pissed off with myself because I can’t deal with the way my brain works.

I’m wide awake, got loads to do and here I am blogging again. It’s nearly 2am and there is no point whatsoever in me going to bed because I will only lay there beating myself up for not getting anything done today, or yesterday for that matter.

Which is exactly what I did till 4am this morning. It’s not that I don’t want to sleep, I do. I just want to have a normal routine. A ‘going to bed to sleep and then getting up 7 or 8 hours later’ kind of routine.

Instead I have a ’spend a week not really sleeping much cause my brain’s to active thinking and planning loads of things in the future followed by another week or two of not really sleeping because I’m so depressed at the thought of being totally useless not being able to get anything done and not getting any sleep.’

Actually, I do sleep. If I’m honest I probably get a lot more sleep than I should. It’s just that the sleep is never of any ‘quality’ and never at the right time, assuming of course there is a right time.

Am I making any sense?

Probably not.

It’s just that when my brain is like this everything goes out the window. I wake up at say 10.30am if I’m sleeping on my own in the little bedroom, which invarably I am because it’s not fair for me to disturb Richard’s 11.30pm - 7.30am sleep routine, and then spend the next couple of hours catching up with myself.

I don’t shower or shave, since I don’t have the time, and generally end up eating some sort of breakfast lunch thing. Richard always does me a smoothie, which I generally eat, but today I didn’t which means tomorrow he’ll eat what I didn’t, which means I won’t get one tomorrow because he won’t need to make any.

Actually, its lucky he does make them, ’cause at times like this my brain says I haven’t got time to eat anyway, so i’d never make myself breakfast, or lunch for that matter.

Stupid, self-perpetuating?

Yeah, I know. Believe me, I know. I keep telling myself. Richard keeps telling me. My psychologist keeps telling me. But does it make any difference?

I am trying. Believe me, I am trying. But my brain doen’t work properly.

If I am down, which I have been for a while now, it takes me a long time for my brain to wake up. Generally it’s not until after lunch, say 1pm or even 2pm before my brain is awake enough to do anything remotely productive.

Today, (being a Tuesday as far as I’m concerned) and yesterday come to think of it, I got through to about 1.30pm not having achieved anything, despite having a variety of things that needed doing, like my Nuffield homework for example, things that I actually want to do, and then (you can tell I’ve lost it - my sentences are getting longer) I get so frustrated because I can’t do anything that I go and lie down on the settee in the living room - can’t go to bed, that would be wrong; though I do if I’m really down - in the hope that I can switch off a bit, recharge and then pray that my pathetic excuse for brain will be able to focus enough a little later. And that’s when I fall asleep for a couple of hours.

You’re getting the picture, right?

Anyway, so there I am a couple of hours later and I’m wide awake and raring to go. And then what really pisses me off is that I manage about an hour of actual focused work, (and by ‘focused work’ I mean writing an email or reading a play or part thereof, or some other seemingly inane task, and certainly not something anybody else would consider as anything other than just an everyday task of which they do dozens of in any one day) before my brain ceases, sorry seizes, and I’m back to a fucked up existance.

I’m not tired, not physically anyway, and I haven’t left the house all day. Some weeks I don’t get to leave the house for three or four days. And in those days, I don’t shower or shave or wash or shit or eat or do anything actually. Oh, but I can sleep. Boy, can I sleep.

So you see. My brains fucked. Ironic, isn’t it; I can write a decent blog post. And I’ll probably do a few other things before I find my way to the little bedroom on the second floor, close the curtains and get into a cold bed.

And tomorrow?

Well, now you see, that’s when I’m really fucked, ’cause tomorrow, I have to be somewhere. Farnham, actually.

I’m going to using some of my talents to earn some money in an interesting and ongoing project. Something that I’m good at (and there are very few things I’m good at) and something I will greatly enjoy.

It’ll be hard, focused work. Proper work. I’ll be there all day, and probably half the night, and somehow or other I’ll do it. I’ll be brilliant, will actually achieve something.

But don’t ask me how. I don’t know how.

It’s like this, I’m just coming up on a wave at present, and I’ll surf (tec - private joke) it so to speak, all the way to the beach where my wave will rapidly disappear and I’ll crash into the pebbles and lie there for a week telling myself how fucking useless I am.

Okay, so I’ve lost the plot. (And contrary to popular belief I didn’t leave in on a train on the way home from Newcastle.) But hey, wtf!

I’m hungry now. Anyone for cheese and biscuits?

Room 20

October 27th, 2008 by Paul Foster

As well as the homework set after each fortnightly session at the Nuffield Theatre Writers Group, we are also given longer term projects that build on all the skills we have been studying in the sessions with the aim of writing a full length play at the end of the programme.

Our first such project was a short two scene piece (literally two pages) made up entirely of snippets of overheard conversation - I did mine after a trip to Morrisons! It’s here if you are interested.

Our next project (over the summer) was our first ‘play’. The brief was to write a 10 minute play (a popular format in the States, I understand) in 3 acts.

Why 3 acts?

Well, the brief goes back to the time our mentor, Director, John Burgess, was Head of New Writing at the National Theatre.

One year, there was a surpless in the budget and an idea was put forward to commission 10 writers to write a 10 minute play each. It was decided that to make the performances much more interesting for the audience, the plays would need to be written in three acts, that way Act I of the first play could be performed, followed by Act I of the second, and then of the third, and then back to Act 2 of the first play, etc.

The result was an evening of quite different plays, where you didn’t know which installment was coming up next, almost like a ’soap opera’ with individual stories being played out.

Well, the summer is now over, and Room 20 has made it out of my head, through my MackBook, on to paper and down to Southampton (and in London by now!) and I’m happy with it.

Mind you, it’s taken long enough. I had no idea how much work could possibly be involved in writing a ten minute play.

There were a few last minute changes (including a character name which I knew needed changing, but was stuck on - Thanks Tom) but I have tried to include all the things I have learnt so far, and hope I have been able to write something good and worth reading; a complete play with believable characters and a plot and all in 10 minutes. Not easy, I can assure you.

Anyway, I handed it in last Thursday at our writers group meeting, and as soon as I had we were being set our next project. We now have until the end of February to write a 44 minute radio play.

44 minutes?

Yep, that’s the length needed for the afternoon play slot on Radio 4. We were given three examples, one of which was directed by John, and another was written by Sarah Daniels.

Time to study the format. Gonna be tricky. Haven’t got a clue where to start!

Umm, ideas anyone?

Must end by saying some thank yous.

Writing, I’m learning, isn’t necessarily a solitary job. Many people’s time and efforts have gone into Room 20.

I see things, I overhear things, I think things, I listen to things; and they all go into my writing. (Even a comment said to me in passing is now an important part of the end of the play - Thanks Mike.)

Sometimes, however I need somewhere to start. And for this play I ‘interviewed’ some of the young people from the Riverside Youth Theatre, and from that came the idea for the play and the inspiration for the characters and the plot.

So a big-massive-huge-gynormous thank you from me to:

Tom Addy
Mark Forrest
Peter Williams
Annabel Smith
Katherine Parkinson

and
Michael Smith

Room 20 is now here on my blog for downloading if you want to read it.

Any comments good or bad, very much appreciated.

How To Get A FREE Toaster.

October 24th, 2008 by Paul Foster

I needed to buy a toaster for my Lunch in Venice rehearsals.

The whole cast eat pizza throughout the play and they will need to practice eating and acting at the same time. Not easy.

I had permission to splash out a massive £3.50 on a Tesco’s Value toaster, then decided to the blow the budget and get a 4 slice model instead of the 2 slice, so I could toast twice as much in one go!

Rich and I went over to Brooklands this afternoon and, having spent 15 minutes trying to get a parking space on the M&S side, (Credit crunch? What credit crunch?) we had a quick forage for the Tesco’s toaster.

No such luck. They had the 2 slice model, but the 4 slice had been discontinued. Oh well. I could have gone for the 2 slice, but something was saying said not to.

Anyway, off we went to Curry’s and Argos round the corner. Rich wanted to look at TV’s and guess what, completely by accident, I came across an Argos Value toaster complete with a ‘cool touch’, a ‘variable browning control’ and wait for it, a ‘cancel button’!

Whooppee!!

And to top it all, it was a white 4 slice model at a bargain £6.92!

Naturally I queued up with my little bit of gold coloured plastic and waited!

- Cashier number 5, please!

Two minutes later I was the proud owner of a FREE 4 slice toaster!

FREE????

Yep - courtesy of the marvelous Marks and Spencer!

You see, I bought some underwear there a couple of months ago - though now they are coming unstitched so I popped into the Brooklands branch after I’d parked and asked for a replacement.

They offered a refund, but I think the poor trainee must have got a little confused.

The underwear had come in a pack of three, and I had bought two packs. However, I’d left two pairs at home, since they were in the wash, and so she had four pairs in front of her, which I dutifully pointed out.

“Oh, four”, she said, and promptly typed x4 into her till, refunding me 4x£3 for two packs of value underwear at £3 per pack! So, £10 up since I had two pairs at a pound each at home in the wash, I was able to get a toaster effectively for free and still be £3.08 in credit!

Thanks M&S - RYT will be making very good use of their FREE value toaster, and I’ve got another £3 to buy some more value underwear!

brb lol

October 24th, 2008 by Paul Foster

Apologies to my older readers - I’ve been introduced to the wonders of instant messaging and am finding it very useful to organise and arrange things.

Needless to say I’ve been using new words like ‘lol’ and ‘probs’ in recent posts and the likes of ‘obv’ and ‘K’ and ‘meh’ and punctuation symbols like :( and :D and a whole host of others will probs start turning up. lol! (Ha Ha, they actually turn out as emoticons on here too! lol!)

Got a bit confused when I thought ‘brb diner’ was the name of a band member and ‘tbh’ and ‘atm’ are only now becoming meaningful.

Oh and the word ‘meh’ took ages to understand, and I’m still not exactly sure that I do - meh!

And I do have to say, it took me a while to learn how to have extended conversations with people, and often two separate and different conversations at the same time.

I was at some points waiting a couple of minutes or more for a reply to a message, when all that was happening was the person at the other end was simply multi-tasking.

I’d like to say these people are ‘working’ but they’re probably ‘youtubing’ or, horror of horrors, playing Tetris on facebook - Roberto, the secrets out! lol!

I very soon learnt that multi-tasking was the only way forward, so you won’t be surprised to learn that I’ve been writing this post whilst chatting away to Jon!

Oh well, at least my touch-typing’s improving with all this messaging lark (Y) even if my spelling isn’t (N)!

:)

What A Surprise - Not.

October 24th, 2008 by Paul Foster

In a recent post, I talked about the economy going down and how convenient that the 2nd quarter’s growth was 0%.

So today the figures were released for the 3rd quarter, July, August and September.

Oh, what a surprise - not!

0.5% down.

Umm, so R-Day will probs be around about the end of the third week in February. The day in which the UK officially reports we are in a recession!

Well, like me, I’m sure you’ll agree we already are in a recession.

Of course, we may just scrape through with a ridiculous nought percent again, but some how I doubt it.

The stock market is down below 4000 again. Time I started stuffing my mattress - not that I have a lot of cash to stuff it with, lol!

Calling Occupants…

October 13th, 2008 by Paul Foster

I have been reliably informed by an as yet unnamed source that if we look into the sky over the next couple of days we are going to see a spaceship.

Naturally I did ask my source (who we thought best should remain anonymous, incase the Government came knocking and he had to dig himself a huge hole in which to hide himself and a ten year supply of baked beans) exactly where this so called ’spaceship’ was coming from.

And his answer:

- Well, space, obv, lol!

Apparently we are to be visited by a rather cool collection of ‘cosmic beings’ known as The Federation of Light, and they have announced one of their craft will appear in our skies on October 14th 2008 “in such a way as to prove to us the existence of other life forms in the Universe.”

Their interplanetary, quite extraordinary craft (sorry Karen, couldn’t resist!) will be hovering in the southern hemisphere for a period of three days in which we will not be able to make contact with them and indeed they will not be contacting us - though, I must admit, it was kind of them to let us know they were coming.

Now Tom Addy - opps - sorry - my anonymous source, has kindly forwarded me the following link, referred to simply as The Message so that we might spread the word of this imminent visit.

I’ll let you decide for yourself.

Personally, I don’t think I’ll be holding my breath, but it would be nice for some more ‘alien invaders’ to take our minds off the ever present global financial crisis.

I wonder if they drink tea?

Now, where did I put that telescope… I’m sure I had an XMM-Newton in my pocket a couple of minutes ago.

Thanks Tom!

Another Black Monday?

October 12th, 2008 by Paul Foster

Oh dear.

It’s Monday tomorrow.

When talking of stock markets, Mondays in the mid/end of October haven’t been good, historically speaking.

Monday October 28th, 1929, saw the second largest percentage drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. -12.82%

The largest ever percentage drop in the Dow, -22.61% was Monday October 19th, 1987. And our FTSE’s largest ever percentage followed. The FTSE dropped 12.2% in one day.

Okay so over the last week’s trading we had a 23% drop in the value of FTSE, closing the week down at 3932 points.

If tomorrow is going to be another Black Monday, and our biggest, we just need to drop say 13% in one trading day.

Opening at 3932 points, dropping a staggering 511 points, and finishing down at 3421.

Oh dear. That could so easily happen.

The money needed by the four big banks (Royal Bank of Scotland, HBOS, Lloyds TSB and Barclays) to ’shore up it’s defences’ is going up by the hour (what are we now 50 billion? 60?) and us taxpayers are paying for it. A statement before the markets open tomorrow will probably have no effect in restoring confidence.

Oh, and the LloydsTSB takeover of HBOS will collapse as LloydsTSB attempts to renegotiate (ie: negotiate it’s way out!)

We’re going down.

Black Monday then.

Oh dear.

PS: Of course, I’m rather hoping I’m wrong.

The Wonderful Wetherspoon’s in Walton - Not!

October 7th, 2008 by Paul Foster

My mate Jon and I went out for a roast dinner on Sunday night…

Customer Services
Wetherspoon House
Reeds Crescent
Central Park
Watford
WD24 4QL

7th October, 2008.

Dear JDWetherspoon,

I have been a happy customer of yours for a number of years now.

Whenever I go anywhere for a day out with family or friends I always check your website to find the nearest Wetherspoon’s or Lloyds No1 Bar, so we can make a point of going there and having a good meal.

Whether it be a Sunday Club roast in Chichester with the in-laws, or a Curry Night in Southampton with the mates, I know I’ll always be greeted by friendly well trained professional staff only too happy to please.

I know I’ll be in a relaxed welcoming atmosphere, and know I can take advantage of the free wi-fi access and receive truly excellent value for money when purchasing both food and drink.

In fact, I have never hesitated to recommend JDWetherspoon - until now.

I honestly can’t believe I’m having to write this letter. Something somewhere has gone drastically wrong.

May I refer to your pub ‘The Regent’ in Walton-on-Thames, Surrey. (Pub No: 103)

I often go, generally once every couple of weeks with a mate and generally for a meal. Generally early or mid-week, and generally when it isn’t too busy.

Sadly, I’ve noticed a steady decline over the last few visits, and Sunday for me was just plain awful. Needless to say, we won’t be returning.

And to be honest, after the experience I had this weekend, I doubt very much if I’ll be using your website to find the nearest Wetherspoon’s again.

We visited last week; a drink, something to eat. Bloody freezing, mind. Heating broken or something. I don’t know.

Deciding we’d have a coffee and muffin to finish off with, we were disappointed when told that the machine was broken (again). Cold, and somewhat fed up of being forced to be party to the knowledge of the social lives of various staff members, we left earlier than usual.

We returned, forgetful, on Sunday, both having had a busy day, and very hungry.

At about 7pm we ordered our drinks and our Sunday Roast. I knew exactly what to expect; I have had many a good roast chicken at a variety of Wetherspoon’s across the country.

As well as a few drinkers, there were a couple of other diners already eating and we were told our food would arrive in 10-15 minutes.

We waited.

And waited.

My mate had ordered an extra serving of mashed potato with his beef but when our roasts arrived 35 minutes after the order was taken, the mashed potato was with my chicken.

We questioned the delay, since there were only two other people eating at the time, and complained the order was wrong.

The member of staff sort of apologised, but was also explaining that something which was supposed to have been served as part of our roast wasn’t, since it had been left out and gone bad or something. (Sage and onion stuffing balls - having now looked at the menu again.)

To be frank, we have no recollection of what she was saying since we were both horrified to be watching her scrape the mashed potato, off one plate on to the other right in front of us.

We ate; or rather, we tried.

The food was, quite frankly, disgusting - Admittedly made worse by the already very poor quality of service.

Dried up carrots and brocolli that had been sat under the hot plate for hours; roast potatoes that had appeared to have been ‘deep fried’ for so long the potato had reduced to mash on the inside and so hot in the centre it burnt your mouth; luke warm dried up chicken; cold peas - of two different colours; maris piper creamy mashed potato that was anything but; I could go on…

We gave up eating. We were hungry, very hungry. Neither of us had eaten since an early breakfast; but we weren’t hungry enough to eat that shit.

The staff member eventually came to clear our plates. She had obviously said the stock phrase: “Did you enjoy your meal?”, without actually thinking why she was saying it since she was already saying “I’ll get your desserts.” before we could make it quite clear that we had in no way “enjoyed” our meals.

Oh, yes - We were talking to her, but she wasn’t listening to us, since she was already heading towards the kitchen with our half empty plates.

At least by: “I’ll get your desserts”, we knew she’d come straight back with them. But shortly (in both senses) she popped her head out and shouted across to us: “Which one had the ice-cream?”

They both did; surely that was on the ticket in the kitchen - it was on our copy.

We waited.

And waited.

For yet another half an hour.

30 or so long minutes in which we were forced to endure various activities of the staff: shouting at each other across the building; screaming at the chef, both outside and inside the kitchen; constantly checking texts/taking calls on mobiles glued into their hands; flirting with drinkers and sharing mobile phone pictures on the customer side of the bar at one end, while customers were waiting to be served at the other end; and again, I could go on…

Though I must mention, we were even privileged to have the young manager plonk himself down with his roast dinner on the table in front of us. He sat their leisurely eating and reading the paper whilst his staff did their very best not do anything in particular, including serving our desserts.

Oh and whilst waiting, we were slowly freezing since there was still no heating to speak off - the staff were wearing their coats, so it was quite plain that we weren’t the only people shivering.

Finally the manager got up and disappeared with his plate into the kitchen, leaving his paper on the table. Maybe now he’d organise our desserts - we’d been making various subtle hints by this stage, discussing quite openly our experience since he was easily sat within earshot of us and it waswell beyond a joke by this stage in the evening.

Perhaps he was too engrossed in his paper to care about his increasingly extremely dissatisfied customers. We never saw him again. We were told he was “out the back having a fag”.

When asked if maybe somebody, anybody, could get our desserts before we froze to death we were told they’d be out shortly.

We waited.

And waited.

And counted the customers to see if it really was so busy that an extended delay was justified. (A couple of dozen at the very most - including drinkers, and thus no justification whatsoever.)

Finally a member of staff went in and returned complaining that she’d had to do them herself.

We asked for the reason for the significant amount of time needed to cut a piece of chocolate fudge cake and scoop some ice-cream, but was told in an very obvious ‘tough shit, what do you expect me to do about it’ attitude that the chef was far too busy cooking meals for the “other customers” - who presumably had been waiting just as long as we had.

Sadly, that was it for us.

Not exctly bowled over by the quality and taste of our desserts, we waited a little while longer hoping someone, maybe even the manager would pop out of the kitchen so we could at least complain about the significant lack of the understanding of the words: “quality food” and “customer service”, as experienced by ourselves and - from various rather loud conversations of the staff with customers - other diners too.

But no.

Having decided that we wouldn’t have a coffee, though we were told the machine was now at least working, we got up, left, and vowed never to step inside the building again.

May I take this opportunity to strongly suggest that someone from JDWetherspoon pay an unannounced visit to pub number 103 in the not to distant future: It would be good for them to experience for themselves the extremely poor standards, in customer focused service, staff management, food quality, and general building/equipment maintenance.

JDWetherspoon’s is only as good as it’s worst pub, and I sincerely hope that the ‘Regent’ in Walton-on-Thames is your worst pub, else you really do have some serious problems with your business model.

Sorry to have had to write this letter and publish it on my blog, but I seriously do think that my friends and colleagues from the local area really do need to know it really isn’t worth paying good money for an experience like that.

I’ll go as far to say this horse has had better service than we did. Even if he now has to stay tethered outside!

Yours sincerely,

Paul Foster.

Well Jon, said I’d be writing, didn’t I.

How about we try the Slug and Lettuce in Weybridge next week? - You know, the one we drove past every time we went to the Regent. More money, yeah, but can’t be any worse than Sunday, can it?

“How would you like your not so creamy maris piper mashed potato, sir? Hot, cold or scraped off someone else’s plate?” Lol!