Okay, imagine, if you will, a room.

Now imagine the room has a door, a door that is locked. You know the door is locked for a very good reason since it was you who locked it and you have the key. At least you did have, because you decided it would be in your best interests to throw the key away.

How you doing?

Okay, my guess is you are imagining that this room is a dark and horrible place where you don’t want to be.

Good.

And that you have locked it because you don’t want to go inside.

Still good, but you’re completely missing the point.

Step up that wonderful imagination of yours and imagine that you are not on the outside of the dark room with the door that you locked, with the key you have thrown away…

No… you’re on the inside.

You’re inside this room not through choice, but because your brain isn’t working and has put you in here. You can’t just “pull yourself together” or “play some happy music”.

The room is dark because there are no windows, only the door, which you locked, which means of course for the length of time you’re in this place (and only your brain knows how long that will be) there is only one way out.

But you’ve locked the door; oh and did I mention you threw away the key?

Well, the key you threw away is in the room with you, on the floor, somewhere; but it’s dark and you can’t find it.

But do you really want to find it?

Now this room is relatively small, about six foot square; so, hunting around for the key isn’t going to be that difficult even if it is dark and the air’s running out.

How’s that imagination of yours? Still with me?

The problem is, there’s really nothing else to do but look for the key so you can open the door you locked. Unless of course you spend your time thinking about the bad stuff, or sleeping so you don’t have to think about it.

In fact, it’s really just a matter of time, right? I mean, you will find it, if you really want to, and believe me, half of you wants to find it because what could possibly be worse than suffocating in a cold dark locked room with nothing to do but think about how useless you are stuck in such an awful place?

Okay, if your imagination is half-way decent, and I’m sure it is, you’re probably screaming at me and shouting: Just find the bloody key, you idiot, and why the fuck did you lock the sodding door in the first place?

Well, assuming your imagination is up to it, perhaps you’d care to imagine that this room is actually in a skyscraper, and if there were any windows in this room, then you’d have a great view of the city one hundred and one stories below you.

So, let me recap, for the sake of your sanity, if not for mine….

You are locked in a room, a dark cold room six foot square with no windows and one door, in a skyscraper one hundred and one stories up in the air. The door is locked because you locked it and you have thrown away the key which now lies somewhere on the floor in the darkness.

The air is running out and it’s hell. Real hell. There is nothing to do but think, and think, and think, about how awful it is and whether perhaps you should really be looking for the key.

And when you’ve done all that horrible thinking, and taken up as much time as you can, you pray that you can fall asleep and wake up somewhere else.

Somewhere pleasant, where the sun shines.

When you do fall asleep and wake up in the dark room again for the umpteenth time with nothing but your thoughts, oh and the shiny key, somewhere on the floor, in the darkness, do you start looking for the key?

How many days can you survive in this room before you start looking? (Feeling actually, now I come to think about it!)

A day? A week? How about a whole month maybe… or two?

Are you forgetting that it was you who locked the door in the first place?

Wondering why?

Well, there’s one last thing for your imagination: That door opens with the key you have thrown away hoping that you’ll get out in some other way before you have to start looking for the key; hoping that you never get the opportunity to find it even if you do give in and start looking for it.

You see, you need to imagine the door doesn’t open onto a corridor in the building, imagine the door opens onto the outside of the skyscraper one hundred and one stories up.

Now you know why you locked it.

–

I’ve been in that room for about month now. A few days ago I had to start looking for the key.

And last night I found it.

Welcome to my world. Boy, your imagination is good.

I unlocked the door and opened it. I let the light in so I could see again. I let the air in so I could breath again. I stood there and thought about how beautiful the city looked bathed in sunshine. I could hear the traffic in the streets far below me and watched the birds as they flew past in odd formations.

Then I knew I just had to lock the door again… and throw away the key.

I eventually went to sleep and woke up this morning. Somewhat annoyingly I am still in that room. But at least I have some fresh air now and hopefully my brain will allow me the pleasure of waking up somewhere else before I find myself on my hands and knees in the darkness searching for the key again.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 9th, 2008 at 10:41 pm and is filed under Bi-Polar II. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.