Been slow for a few days. And completely lost today. I checked my wall posts on Facebook earlier and found the last time I was down was about a month ago, so I’m not complaining.

I watched Family Guy last night, vaguely aware that I watched it the last time I was down. It is funny. Loved the bit where Chris is pulled into the A-ha animated video for Take On Me. (Served Morten Harket in Gateways – now Sommerfield – in Bordon when I worked on the checkouts there many years ago.)

I digress. The point I was making was that the last time I was down I said on Facebook that I was watching Family Guy. The following day I said I was lost. It’s only now that I have evidence of the patterns in my cycling. Facebook is useful at times.

Trying desperately to break these patterns, in a vain attempt to get some sort of routine and stability. A cure? The Lamotigine has been great. My downs are not as pronounced – I don’t get suicidal thoughts anymore – and my ups are not as manic as previously either. I tend to be stabler for longer. If you can call it that.

But I still find it hard. I still have lows and highs, just not as pronounced and not as rapid. My psychologist is trying to help. I’m having Coginative Behaivoral Therapy now. (CBT) Been on the waiting list for over a year.

Notice the patten, and change it. And yeah I can notice the patterns. Changing them is hard though.

He has asked me to set up a daily routine. Getting up and going to bed at the same time each night as a start.

Yeah, right. Easier said than done.

I’m supposed to get up, spend an hour or so having breakfast etc, then work for the day, then spend at least 4 hrs winding down before going to bed for 7-8 hrs sleep. As I say, easier said than done.

I’ve spent my whole life cycling between periods of hyperactivity and little sleep through to no activity with lots of sleep. A whole pattern in itself. Already finding that even though I’m on the Lamotrigine, there is still this cycle, just not as pronounced.

I think I’m repeating myself.

Whilst I can see that stability and routine are what is needed – I only have to look at Richard for this: you could almost set the clocks by his daily routines – I can’t do it. Not even short bursts.

And working isn’t helping really. Doing ad-hoc work in corporate hospitality isn’t really doing me any good, in terms of routine etc.

But I do so love it, and I’d never be able to hold down a full time job, even if i could get one, which with a CV as empty as mine would be nigh on impossible anyway.

I have been asleep all afternoon. Not because I wanted to be, but because my brain is so slow and I’ve been so lost I haven’t been able to do anything else. Consequently, I doubt I’ll be sleeping much tonight.

And tomorrow I’ll be spending the afternoon and evening helping to manage a wedding. I’ll get home and into bed at about 2.30am.

And then, two and half hours later, I’ll be up again in order to get to Coventry for an 8am briefing. Coventry City are playing QPR on Saturday and I help run the 1883 Restaurant overlooking the pitch on the 3rd floor of the Ricoh Arena. I manage about 15-20 young people who do all the waiting etc and it is so much fun for me. I excel at it, even if I do say so myself.

I fell into it, and am glad I did. I desperately need the money, and working ad-hoc suits me well. I can do it even if I don’t feel so good. Used to it now, so I feel safe even if I am down. It doesn’t panic me. And the Lamotrigine helps of course. And yes, oddly enough it kind of fits my cycling. Even exacerbates it, maybe? But what am I to do? I need the money. I have to live.

So there you go. A crappy post, because I’m not sure if I’m making any sense, and I don’t care anyway.

Not at the moment.

My confidence has gone again.

I hate this.

–

Hi Paul. Sorry I haven’t replied to your email yet. Off on holiday to the Isle of Wight for a few days next week. Promised to take Rich ages ago and we need a break to spend some quality time together. I’ll try and email you back after that.

Oh and Jon, thanks mate. You know why. Have fun in Turkey and we’ll catch up in Wetherspoons when you get back.

Oh and one last thing, dear reader, whilst I’m away on the IOW, my beautiful adorable MacBook will also be on holiday – spending a week in the Apple store in Kingston.

The superdrive isn’t so super after all. I tried to burn a disc for the first time last week and discovered that it “can’t calibrate the laser”. It’s having a new one fitted under warranty, and I got a 10% discount off my next purchase for my inconvenience – could do with an iPod – and the nice guys in the store burnt the discs I wanted using another machine.

Well that’s enough blogging for one day. I have my Lunch In Venice rehearsal schedules to plan… At least I’m looking forward to Sunday.