how do you explain
a fucked up brain

how do you explain that you feel like shit all the time
how do you explain that the only reason you go back to bed is cause you wish you never got up in the first place
how do you explain that you want to stay up at night cause it’s quiet
how do you explain that you really do want to help out around the house but don’t have the energy or the slightest inclination
how do you explain that you have to fight the urges to turn the steering wheel violently to the left when you you’re driving down the motor-way on your own
how do you explain why it’s only to the left
how do you explain that you don’t care about yourself anymore and the only reason you’re here is cause you can’t stand the thought of hurting others
how do you explain the constant worry that maybe the day you don’t care about hurting others will finally come and sooner rather than later
how do you explain that half of you wants to live to a hundred and the other half doesn’t want to last the night
how do you explain the feeling of total and utter worthlessness
how do you explain the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore
how do you explain the feeling of wasting your life
how do you explain the feeling of nothingness
how do you explain the feeling of emptiness
how do you explain the thoughts about a world which you’ve just left
how do you explain the feeling of despair
how do you explain the feeling of being certain that no-one cares
how do you explain the feeling of being a constant failure to yourself and others
how do you explain the annoyance of not being able to say words that you know you know
how do you explain the feeling of uselessness when you can’t make a simple decision
how do you explain the feeling of knowing that one day you will make it big and be rich and famous
how do you explain the fear that that day might never come so what’s the point
how do you explain that all you want to do is a achieve something with your life
how do you explain the constant fear of not being able to achieve anything
how do you explain the feeling that you know for certain that you will either die of old age or you’ll commit suicide
how do you explain the feeling of paranoia
how do you explain the fear that one day something might just click somewhere in that brain of yours and you do it even though you know you definitely don’t want to at this present moment in time
how do you explain it scares you that you may actually want to at some other present moment in time
how do you explain that you spend so much time in bed when you are down so that you don’t get the opportunity to do it
how do you explain seeing images in which you jump from high up in a tree with a noose around your neck
how do you explain that you see yourself climbing up higher so that when you jump the force of gravity rips your head off
how do you explain that you wish you could talk about all this but are frightened that no-one would ever be able to listen
how do you explain you have a mental illness that destroys your way of thinking to the point that you don’t know what’s real
how do you explain you’re ill and really don’t want the hell anymore
how do you explain that you know you’ll be okay again soon, but have no idea when
how do you explain how stupid you’ll feel when you read this again
how do you explain that you really want to publish this shit but don’t want to in case people will think less of you than they already do
how do you explain the fear of losing your mind completely
how do you explain the fear of dying
how do you explain the exhaustion
how do you explain the headaches
how do you explain the hell
how do you explain the
how do you explain
how do you ex
how do you
how do
how

fuck
it’s out
thank fuck it’s out
sorry

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 20th, 2008 at 1:29 am and is filed under Bi-Polar II. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.