So, I’m up. (Mentally – not ‘up’ in the sense of getting up out of bed, lol. I’ve already confused myself re-reading this, so probably confused.com you too!)

And about time too. (Coming up, not confusing you! lol – Jeez this is gonna be one of those posts I’ll look back on and have a bloody good laugh at.)

I’m little concerned actually. Think maybe the Lamotrigine isn’t doing the job properly anymore. I’m experiencing some much deeper lows than I was a few months ago, and my highs are becoming a bit unmanageable too, so I’m not best pleased.

Maybe I’m gonna need to up the dose.

Last Thursday was the lowest I’d been for a long time. I was not in a good place.

I spent the entire day in bed wishing I wasn’t here anymore, trying to work out the best way to do it. Usual stuff; how do I effectively dispose of myself without inflicting pain, (I have a very low pain threshold) and without hurting Richard. Luckily I haven’t been able to work out a way yet.

And I never got down to the Nuffield in Southampton for my writing group.

And that seriously pissed me off even more.

By Saturday, after what felt like a three week down with a few odd days of hopeful ‘am I going up again’, I was back up again properly (actually a bit too up – ie hypo), and as a consequence I am totally out of sync. I have not been in bed before 2am in the last week, and often times not asleep before 4.

And now my brain is all over the place. (It’s gone 3am now and I’m on YouTube and sort of editing this at the same time, lol. Can’t remember where I got up to even! Hallo Spaceboy!)

NT: Ground to Major, bye bye Tom
DB: This chaos is killing me
NT: Dead the circuit, countdown’s wrong
DB: This chaos is killing me

Yeah, thanks David, this chaos is killing me alright.

There’s lots of good things happening, but I can’t concentrate on the things I need to be doing.

I haven’t yet managed to do the one simple but important thing I had intended to do when I got up this morning.

And I’m really frightened I’ll go back down at some point in the next week or so, which for me will be absolute hell, and will cause Major problems.

In fact, another bad deep down any time between now and the New Year will be a serious problem. If it happens, I have absolutely no idea how I’ll cope with it.

Starting tomorrow, (actually today now, I’m feeling pathetically pedantic in my editing) I will be out late every night for 10 days in succession.

This weekend is the build up to the Riverside Youth Theatre’s December production, Triptych, an evening of three one act plays which I’m directing one of – Lunch in Venice.

After a few days of dress/tech rehearsals we go into performances and then on the Saturday after having got up at 5am to go to Coventry to work at the Ricoh for the day, I’ll be driving back down the M1 to get to Sunbury for the last performance and then the (all night if the last one was anything to go by) cast party. (Y)

After set down on Sunday I’ll probs get some sleep.

As well as performances next week I’ll also be playing Santa at my neices’ school, but don’t tell anyone. Don’t want them to know I’m not the real Father Christmas, lol.

And a some point I have to acquire an MOT certificate for the car (praying it won’t fail) and get it insured.

Yes, I know; this chaos is killing me.

I have taken on commitments on the basis that my mood has been stablising over the last six months or so since starting the Lamotrigine, but now I’m unstable again; going up and down to ever increasing extremes and this is worrying me. Big time.

And I don’t know if it’s me doing this, or not enough Lamotrigine.

I need to work, cause I need the money to live – don’t we all – and I earn pretty good money doing the event stuff, but driving 2hrs to Covenrty, working like a lunatic for 10 or more hours straight, with little food and no time to eat it, and then driving the 2hrs back home at midnight can’t be good for me with my condition.

The thing is, I really really really enjoy the work. It’s a pleasure. It’s not ‘work’ for me. I just get paid for doing something I love to do – working with young people and helping them to achieve things; and in this case, helping them to learn skills that will always be useful to them.

And anyway, the ad-hoc-ness fits in well with the way I live.

Oh I dunno, I’m spouting off in all directions again. I can’t even focus on getting the right information out in the right words. I’m going off at tangents, and have completely forgotten the subject of this post, lmao.

I’m in msn mode too, (having had at least 3 conversations during the writing of this post) so my written english is crap, lol.

Is this me? Am I doing this to myself? Taking on this stuff that I love so much? Is this what is causing my brain to go stupid again? Do I need to up the dose of my Lamotrigine? Do I need to see my psychiatrist again, when she said I didn’t need to see her for five months – next app’ in Feb.

I dunno. I just don’t fucking know!

Oh, and earlier I agreed to work four consecutive days at the Ricoh Arena where I help run the restaurant for the Coventry City football matches.

I’ll be managing the waiting staff for corporate christmas parties – basically a big circus in their huge exhibition hall with 3 course meal.

It’ll be fun, and I will enjoy it, but it will be bloody hard work, since we’ll be setting everything up during the day (probs 1000 covers) and then serving food and drinks all night, with the guests leaving at 1.30am and us clearing up for an hour or so after them.

I’ll be staying up there, so won’t have to travel, but I’ll be away for four days; I’ll miss Rich and I’ll have no time to do anything, though I will take my Mac in case I get a few minutes in the mornings to catch up with the world.

Oh and did I mention it’s my birthday on Monday too? Yep December will come in with a bang cause yours truly hits the magic four-oh. (Shit!)

Funny really, last time I had a landmark birthday, my 21st, I was doing my panto out in the States. This time I’ll be at a tech rehearsal for Lunch In Venice. – Actually, can’t think of a better place to be on my fourtieth. I will have a nice birthday lunch with Rich in London somewhere, then spend the evening with some great friends.

Shit, I really need to finish this post.

I’ve got another one to write on a different subject. I have set up a ‘page’ on facebook to promote me as a playwright and it imports my blog posts, but I have set it to only import posts under the topic of Writing.

My main facebook profile, of which I now have 105 friends – oh, and welcome to my new facebook friends from Cov; Mark, Helen, Nathan, James and Martin – you’ve probs not known much about me, having only met the ‘restaurant managing’ side of me, but I guess you’re now discovering a whole different side to my persona!

Going off in tangents again!

What I meant was, I wanted my “PAFoster-Playwright” page to be about me as a playwright so people could become ‘fans’ as my work became known and I could promote my work too.

Didn’t want them being put off by the fact that I’m actually a gay sucidal manic depressive with a pet parrot! Having said that, they could read all this on my actual blog from which the ‘facebook notes’ originate.

Oh well, we’ll see. I only have two ‘fans’ atm anyway! (Thanks Rianna and Jon.)

Right, one down, one to go! (Umm, on second thoughts, maybe I should just post this and go to bed.)

Spaceboy, you’re sleepy now,
Ashes to ashes, funk to funky,
Goodnight Major Tom