Just wanted to say thanks for all the wall messages, texts and cards for my birthday a couple of days ago.

Had intended to write a thank you on various walls, reply to texts, etc, but it’s not to be, so this will have to do.

Sorry, but I’m not functioning properly again.

I had a massive crash down on Sunday and spent most of the afternoon in various states of utter despair.

With the help and support of Richard to get me going again I eventually got to Riverside for the tech run of ‘Lunch In Venice’, but was soon a complete wreck again. (Thanks to all for your support.)

I was up till about 2am, not being able to sleep, feeling a little more postive having succeeded in getting through the day, if a little embarressed at visually showing the world how bad this can get for me, and then slept for 12 hours like I do when I’m down.

Which meant most of my 40th Birthday was spent in bed.

BiPolar Disorder has no regard for birthday celebrations.

I should be happy; I have a lot of good things going on. ‘Lunch in Venice’ is fantastic and tonight is the dress rehearsal, but having just got up and feeling very sluggish I’ll struggle to get there. I have ‘Room 20′ being performed in a couple of weeks, but I have things to sort and emails to reply to and I can’t deal with them like this.

I should be happy, but I’m not. There’s this constant gloom. A constant feeling of failure and wouldn’t it just be better if I didn’t have to cope with it anymore.

I know it’s bollocks, but that’s the struggle. The constant battle with myself, telling myself that what I am feeling is just that, a feeling, and not based in reality.

But it wears me out. The constant questioning of myself. I get frightened that one day I might not be able to keep up the battle.

And it’s the decisions I can’t cope with aswell.

Rich is trying to make cards for me and asking what I want on the front, but I can’t answer him. I should have provided him with a template, which is what I said I’d do at the end of last week when it was planned. But of course I haven’t. And now there isn’t time, and I’ll struggle to write whatever I was meaning to say in the cards anyway.

So as with most of things during my depressive periods, the thought was there originally, just not actionable now.

What would I like for lunch? I have no idea. Now’s he’s asking when should we get Euros for our Christmas trip to Italy, and I can’t answer that either. Too much for my brain. Can’t deal with that amount of information. Can’t process it.

I’m sat here at my Mac and I can only do one thing. At this moment in time I am writing my blog, but the rest of the world doesn’t exist. There are no other thoughts. Everything has slowed right down and has almost stopped.

I have to shut it out and just focus on one thing else I get completely overwhelmed and end up in a heap. And I’m constantly aware of the things that need to be done and aren’t getting done. Even the stupid little things like sending a text. I hate it.

And now I’ve lost my train of thought again.

My writings crap. I did some last night. It’s not coming out the way it was. And that just adds to my overbearing sense of failure.

Rich and I decided it was best if we upped the dose of my lamotrigine. I have been rapid cycling again for about a month at least now, with higher ups and much deeper downs than I’ve had for ages.

I haven’t been eating properly, or sleeping properly and I’m completely out of sync in all directions.

I feel like shit.

100mg just isn’t doing the trick anymore.

I was supposed to be at 150mg anyway, so I’m not doing anything bad by upping it to 125mg. Not due to see my psychiatrist again till February, but will have to get an earlier appointment if this continues.

I hate this, I really hate this.